I've had a weird week this week. I couldn't really pin point how I was feeling, definitely unlike myself, but still motoring through each day with my usual rhythmic & routine nature. That was until I realized what date was approaching, the 28th of October. Usually a time when twenty something's like myself are getting geared up for Halloween parties, it has become a different celebration for me. On October 28th, back in 2004, after 3 rounds of aggressive (already body altering chemotherapy) I chose to have my leg amputated. Obviously not a decision you make over night, but a decision that I knew the answer to in my mind & heart almost immediately. After the initial 3 rounds, half, of my chemotherapy sessions complete, doctors had hoped that the innovative drugs & cancer poisons corsing through my veins, causing me to loose my hair, close to 35 pounds of body weight & almost all recognition of a healthy me, would have also made that dramatic of an impact on the cancerous tumour growing in my right leg. Good news? That poison corsing through my veins had made an impact on that nasty tumour. Bad news? The impact was definitely not enough. Trust me I would have done anything to make that life killer dissapear, POOF! I meditated, prayed and would visualize it shrinking and yes, it did, but it had a strength not even my stubborn determind mind & heart could defeat. I sat in front of my doctors with my parents on either side of me attempting to absorb what my options were. Amputution had about a 50% survival rate.... Of course they could TRY to save my leg, the leg won't work very well & my chances of survival will be decreased by about 5%, making it about 45%, but they can spare that limb... That limb??? That LIMB?! That limb is mine, I've had it all my life. Imagine if you can all the steps I had taken on "that limb" in the last 19 years. All the places "that limb" had taken me to. "That limb" was part of me.... Part. Only a part. Not the whole thing.
My eyes swell with tears as I think of myself then. I remember getting home with my parents & getting into my little black honda civic & just driving. No destination in mind. Just a choice, a decision. Thinking of my mum, so somber, calculating every fact that doctor spat at us. Thinking of my dad, desperately asking the doctor, "can she have my leg??? Can you do that?!". A blur of emotions swept over me, but just thinking of those people, my family, my mum, dad & sister... The choice became crystal clear to me. It's a leg or a life. I've never been one to give anything less than 100% & cancer wasn't going to get any less of a fight out of me. I turned my car around, went home and told my family my decision. My parents had been at the appointment and I think that they knew what I would decide, they were obviously devastated but just wanted to keep their daughter. The toughest reaction had to be my sister, she just couldn't understand. She was beside herself with sadness and this broke my heart. Infact telling anyone that loved me this news broke my heart. It always seemed much harder on them to accept than it was for me.
"That limb", my leg, that life ending tumour, had to go. Like get the fuck out of my body & away from me. GO. At 19 there was just too much life to be lived to even mess around with a choice like that. So on October 28th/2004, with my parents & my sister supportively at my side, we went to VGH to have my leg amputated.
I don't remember a whole lot of detail about my 5 days stay at the hospital. Mostly blurry bits & pieces.
Getting surgery prepped.
My surgeon cracking some joke about it being a "quick surgery" & that he had his kids soccer game to get to.
My sister getting super pissed off at that "joke".
Saying good bye to my family.
Sitting on a table in the O.R. naked, barely covered by a hospital gown with the back wide open as I got my epidural.
A really good looking male nurse.
Making light of the heavy tone in the O.R. by cracking stupid jokes.
Waking up alone, facing a window that overlooked a dark Vancouver city view.
Looking down and only seeing 5 perfectly pedicured hot pink toes.
Rolling over & barfing on the floor.
Tears.
Relief.
Grief.
Relief.
Tears.
Being rolled out into a hallway where I remember seeing 3 faces... My mum, dad & sister. All sad, all eyes full of tears.
Smiling ear to ear & giving them the thumbs up.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Teddy bears, flowers, cards, kisses&hugs.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Home.
Relief.
Fast forward enough time for my limb to heal & have staples removed. I'm still bald, underweight & about to face 3 more rounds of chemotherapy. The most brutal of the 6... This is me on Christmas morning 2004, after my last chemotherapy session (December 21st/04). Merry Christmas kiddo, you're DONE chemo. That's the best present I've ever gotten. Fuck you cancer, you can't ruin Christmas for this girl.
Fast forward again to physiotherapy & learning how to walk again. (This is me with Rick Hansen, who came in to have a visit with me. Incredible man & so easy to talk to).
I worked with the most unbelievably talented physiotherapist @ GF Strong Rehabilitation Center. I truly believe she is a gift to her profession & people like myself are lucky to be able to work with her. Linda McLaren has a special way to be so strong & stern and yet so gently motivating. On days that I struggled desperately, she was a force to recon with, one of the reasons I pushed harder & never have up. GF Strong is a place I will never forget & will always hold so close to my heart.
Prosthetic fittings became the norm, they were long, exhausting, empowering & rewarding. A mixture of feelings. I started out with the basics & soon became picky about what I wanted. I switched prosthetists early and became a client of Jamie Little. He was working with a new socket design that I wanted & he was willing to make me his first client wearing it. Even with some apprehension, Jamie had massive success with me. I loved the new socket. After being castted into my first test socket (of the new MAS socket design) I was determined to complete the Terry Fox Run (walking). It was September 2005, I had been an amputee for roughly 11 months, had been on a prosthetic leg for roughly 7 months & using my new socket design for about a month or so. Jamie did warn me that doing the 10k Terry Fox Run, even though I was walking it, on my test socket (which is made from a very ridgid hard, not the most durable type of plastic) wasn't the best idea. However I had set this in my mind since my diagnosis a year ago and now had another reason I wanted to do it. You see while I was at GF Strong doing my rehabilitation I had met a lot of really amazing people, one in particular, named Cris. He was diagnosed with a cancer that was almost identical to mine. He had gone through the same chemo regime & even lost his right leg too, at the same level I had lost mine. We bonded immediately, becoming great friends... He even nicknamed me his "twin leg sister". His smile could literally light up my day. Just a sweet, silly & genuine soul. He was a couple of weeks behind me in our protocol so when I went to get all my scans & tests done post treatments his were always after mine. We celebrated my first clear scans together. Only weeks later Cris had his scans too... I waited & waited for him to call or text me & let me know he was clear too. After all, he had to be! We were like twins! I went to GF Strong during our usual rehabilitation time & waited for him, only to end up doing my workout alone. Finally as I was leaving GF I spotted him in his car. I didn't know what was going on but he motioned for me to get in the passenger seat, so I did. I was there in the parking lot that Cris told me his scan wasn't clear, his cancer had come back, spread to his lungs & the outlook wasn't good. I didn't know what to do because I was so confused. Why him, why not me. How was this possible. He had done everything right, or so we thought... After that day Cris had slowly started to pull away from me, I'd get a text or email here & there telling me vaguely how he was & that he didn't want me to be hurt by what he was going through. I think Cris was done fighting. I was devastated & so worried for him. Cris pretty much refused to do the Terry Fox Run with me, I had asked him a million times... But for some reason he showed up that day just to support me. I then begged him again to do it with myself & my family. He again said no. But when we began the walk @ the start line, he started to walk too. In fact, he walked the entire 10k, right by my side. It took us over 3 hours & we basically limped across that finish line, we were both so tired & our legs were both badly bruised & sore. I have the most beautiful memories of that day with Cris & my family.
I got this email after the Terry Fox Run:
And then this was the very last email I ever got from Cris, after this he stopped responding to my attempts to talk to him or see him...
He signed off calling me by the nickname he gave me & I didn't hear from him again. A couple months later I received a phone call from a close friend of Cris's... cancer had taken his life. Since then barely a day can pass where I don't think of him. He is my constant reminder that sometimes there just is no rhyme or reason. Cancer literally just destroys what it wants, takes what it wants & takes who it wants. My heart hurts thinking of all of the things in life he didn't get a chance to do but I live everyday doing as much as I possibly can... To be worthy of the gift I got.
Over the last two years I got my focus back onto sports & became involved in triathlon. In love with a sport that challenges me on so MANY levels. Nothing about my training has been easy but it's been so extremely worth it. Triathlon makes me feel alive & proves that even with "that limb" missing, I am still capable of doing anything. There have been setbacks but nothing that I couldn't over come by staying dedicated to my goals & surrounding myself with a team of people that believe in my dreams as much as I do. My husband, who isn't a triathlete or athlete of any sort, has become one of my biggest supporters. Learning the time commitment it takes by respecting my training schedule. He may not BE an athlete but he eats like one, never complains about any of the clean meals I put in front of him or expects me make anything different for him, in fact I think he loves it, he has a built in nutritionist! My mum, who is literally my biggest fan & my biggest inspiration. My coach, Meyrick Jones, who has taught me SO much about triathlon that I can't even begin to express my gratitude. His passion for this sport is contagious and even though I came to him with determination & dedication, he gave me focus & the groundwork I needed to build my skills as a triathlete. Last but certainly NOT least, my prosthetist Dave Moe & his team at Barber Prosthetics. It is impossible for me fully express my gratitude to Dave, I doubt in my whole life that I'll be able to do it. I literally thank him every single time I see him, repeatedly. Without Dave I wouldn't have been able to compete in triathlon at all this past season. He & his team took on the roll as my prosthetic sponsors, equipping me with THREE new athletic prosthetic legs (a running leg, a cycling leg and the latest addition, my gym/training leg). Not only is Dave the most skilled prosthetist I've worked with over the years but he is not affraid to try new innovative things with my legs & has never once said no to something I want to do. He truly believes in my dreams as much as I do, if not more.
So what do I think about on 10/28/2004? I think about Cris, the impact he made on my life in such a short period of time, the finish lines I will cross with him in my heart, the "test" I passed & the gratefulness I feel at every memory I have with him. I think of other people who have been affected by cancer & lost something or someone that was a part of them. That pain never goes away, it dulls, but it serves as a constant reminder of how quickly life can be changed & taken. I think of how incredibly lucky I have been to live the last 9 years since that date. The things I've accomplished, the obstacles I've overcome, the incredible people I've met, the love I have in my life, this little blessing that is my first born daughter growing in my belly, the ups & the downs & every single thing inbetween that I've experienced. A leg or a life? LIFE. 9 beautiful years of it & so many more to look forward to.
And I never think of "that limb", because I didn't need it for any of this.
