It's been a minute (Actually a year!)

So, it's been a minute, over a year actually... Since I last blogged. My last post rightfully dedicated to my beautiful first born daughter, Kiara, as this last year has been. 

I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts, I love to put my thoughts into writing or words. Since going through cancer, chemotherapy & amputation I have just always found that expressing things outwardly, mostly fairly unedited, helps me deal with stuff & heal. It took me years to heal from what I went through cancer wise and honestly it will always partially be sort of like a half healed scar. However, there have been a million things since cancer that have put it out of my direct sight & mind, leaving me to be at peace with it, 10 years past. 

A big part of this blog became more so dedicated to my passion to set goals and drive forward and achieve them. My last "big" goal kind of came out of nowhere. I had watched some clip on YouTube about triathletes. It was an intense 4-5 minute video capturing the crazy endurance that triathletes have. I was 100% completely obsessed after watching it, I thought about triathlons all the time. I knew other amputees had competed in them (not that it mattered even if I was the only one, but is always inspiring & is great for reference). I however, hadn't been swimming (like laps style) in years, didn't own a bicycle or hadn't ridden one since before I lost my leg & even though I had a running prosthesis it wasn't fully complete & I hadn't been training on it. Soooooo where do you go from here??? LOL. Ummmmm well you find someone who does triathlon, who is good at it, and pick their brains. In comes Meyrick Jones. Through my babblings about triathlon to numerous people, Meyrick's name had been brought up to me as he was a local guy (who happened to be a below knee amputee) & a triathlete. Naturally I went about my way googling him, reading his blog & emailed him basically saying I wanted to meet & talk triathlon. We met above his gym in a coffee shop in West Vancouver. He was very easy to talk to & clearly passionate about triathlon & sports/athleticism in general. A person a can easily get along with. 

A little insight into my love of sport. I believe I have been an athlete since I was conceived. My mum played on a rec basketball league that my dad coached, while my mum was pregnant with me. Both of my parents love sports, playing them together & separately, everything from tennis, basketball, football, golf, baseball, track and so on and so on. Words my dad used to describe me, as a kid, and still to this day are intense, no fear and passionate. I bring all of that into sport & have since I first swam as a toddler, stepped on my first soccer field as a little kid, ran my first track meet, first connected my bat with a baseball on the diamond & later felt my first pump from a set of weights. I may not be the athlete that it comes most naturally to, but I am that athlete that gives it everything in me, full intensity, full dedication no matter who or what I'm up against. I am a firm believer that it doesn't take one specific sport to make you an athlete, it's in you or it's not. 

I asked Meyrick to coach me, learned A LOT from him, hooked up an amazing & supportive prosthetic team, set some triathlon goals and achieved them. During my one year newbie stint in triathlon I also had other things going on, I was running a brand new business with my fiancé that we literally started from nothing, planning a wedding, a honeymoon & also dealing with some fertility tests & concerns as a result of undergoing chemotherapy in my past battle with cancer. (It turns out my hormones are advanced for my age & my egg count is substantially lower than it sound be.) This was a frightening thing. I was in no rush to become a parent but the thought of not becoming a parent broke my heart. Basically the medical advise I was given was "not to wait". Like, if you want to have a family, you better get on it. I struggled with this big time at first. Going back & forth. I was very business & triathlon focused at this time in my life. I made the decision with my husband that not trying to have kids wasn't an option. So shortly after getting married we started trying to conceive.... And boom, pregnant! Not what I was expecting, but the most incredible thing to happen in my life to date. 

Pregnancy was a fascinating time to me & I was so grateful to be carrying my first born. When Kiara was born something in me became peaceful. I had never thought that being a momma would fill me with such contentment & happiness. She is truly my greatest purpose. I have embraced every single second of her first year of life & I knew very quickly after her arrival I wasn't willing to risk waiting to try to conceive again. After having Kiara I KNEW I wanted another child. The month before Kiara's first birthday we conceived our second child. Another amazing little miracle. Gratitude for these two pregnancies just doesn't quite sum up my feelings, I'm at a loss for words completely. 

Back to sport. My goal had been to go back to triathlon right away after having Kiara but my heart & mind decided otherwise. Like any other big thing that happens in life, becoming a momma changed me. Cancer changed me too, for the better. I'm not directly comparing cancer to motherhood, but I am saying that these huge things impacted me greatly as a person. I never would have known what I would be like or what I would want in life after I became a momma, until I was a momma. Just like I never (in a billion years) would have accomplished or experienced half the things I have if I hadn't gone through cancer. I am an active goal setter, but I am also adaptive & believe firmly in changing direction or adjusting goals to reflect what makes me happiest in life. Cancer taught me this, being an amputee has taught me this & being a momma has also taught me this.

I went back to training daily & am a very active momma, Kiara is following in my footsteps too. Walking at 11 months, she is go-go-go & even when she falls down, she picks herself up, dusts off & cruises on. That's MY girl. Sport will always be apart of our lives. I will follow my heart & my passion as far as competing in sport goes. Goals will evolve to fit my love of physical fitness, my love for my family life & business & educational growth.

I think in the grand scheme there are certain goals that NEED to be set. Things in life that are naturally occurring & (in my belief) if you want to successfully & happily keep up with life you have to set goals accordingly. These are likely family related, business related or home related. Then there are goals that you set along the way that are purely selfish goals, the purpose is simply because you feel the undeniable pull to do it, to experience it. Travel, education, sport & so on, they aren't for any persons benefit except your own. These goals keep us growing as individuals. Teach how far we can go, in my case I truly believe there are no limits. I have set selfish goals, like competing in triathlon, that serves no purpose other than to make me feel good. Although my fitness goals at the moment are not to compete or break records, they are still set... I vow to feed my body nutrition to ensure optimal health, to work out in the gym 4-6 times a week & to be as active as humanly possibly with Kiara. So regardless of my roles as a mother, a wife or a business owner & the goals I am constantly working towards in those areas, there need to be goals that are set of this "selfish" nature. Always. 

Right now, my purpose & passion lies with my family, the joy I feel teaching my daughter new things, watching her grow, my family grow, accomplishing family goals, leading a healthy & active life is part of me & will always be something Kiara & any other future children are part of. Knowing I have full control over my happiness & direction in life is powerful & I don't take that for granted, it lets me feel that whenever I feel ready for a new goal, I'll go after it.... And if & when I feel that tug, that undeniable pull to compete in sport, I would be there. 

I'm a Mommy ~ Kiara Joss-Lynn Kuczko

Where to begin?? For starters I'm sitting here with my arms full of love, filled by my daughter. Kiara Joss-Lynn Kuczko was born 7 days ago on January 21st/2014 at 12:43pm after 15 hours of labour, weighing 6 pounds & 10 ounces. She is perfection. The second she came out & was laid on my chest my life changed forever. I was flooded with a new love I had never experienced. After 39 weeks of pregnancy I had my girl. As I gazed down at her tiny body and sweet face my heart ached with such pride that I thought I might actually burst and honestly that robust feeling has not subsided at all. There have been so many emotions since welcoming Kiara into our lives & for each one I am grateful because her presence has amplified my love & gratitude for LIFE. 

Again I find myself thanking the heavens above for the blessings that have come into my life. I find myself accounting for every decision & choice I have made (good & bad) that has brought me to this moment right here & right now. I stare down at my beautiful daughter as I attempt to put into words what a gift motherhood is to me, what a gift she is to me... My mind goes to when I was diagnosed with cancer & how REAL life became in those moments. I remember not thinking about loosing the battle against cancer but thinking about how I would live when I WON the battle. I promised myself I would walk through my days with passion, gratitude & optimism & that nothing could stand in my way. All challenges accepted. That I would love hard & fill my life with joy as completely as I possibly could. I promised that when I survived, I would be worthy of surviving. Right here, right now, amongst all of accomplishments, setbacks, joys, heart aches, obstacles overcome, choices made, goals made, goals reached, experiences lived - I feel confident saying I DO live the way I promised I would. 

Now I have the incredible honor of showing Kiara & helping her experience how wonderful life is. 

Kiara will be taught gratitude for life too. I will instil in her that she is capable of absolutely anything and can attain anything that she works hard for. That her decisions shape & mold her life and in return how she enjoys her life. She will know that she is beautiful, inside & out. Her differences will be celebrated & her ambitions will be supported. She will never ever doubt her mom & dads love for her. She will be encouraged to learn new things every chance she gets & to always have an open mind. I'm already sure she will be strong in mind, body, nature & heart. 

Happy 1st week of LIFE my sweet girl, I love you to England & back.

XoXo

Mommy 

Almost A Mommy

38 Weeks and 3 days pregnant today. I am just in awe at how fast this has gone by. It is almost over. Such a strange feeling as I run my hands over my baby bump, feeling her stir in my belly as my hands glide over my now flat and slightly outtie belly button, I know the time is near that I wont have her with me every second of every day. I have been so in love with our growth together, each week as she has hit milestones in her development my body has changed to accommodate and support her. Incredible. I'm emotional and teary just thinking of how much of a miracle it is. The times I have sat and thought of it with a smile on my face have been countless, I am beyond grateful. In fact, grateful seems to be far too simple of a term to express it. From thinking that due to the aggressive chemotherapy I had endured to beat cancer ruined my chance at becoming a Mommy, to 9 months pregnant and on the verge of meeting my sweet daughter any day. The hurt in my heart that I felt when that might be taken from me has been filled with this miracle and although I know I would have coped with not becoming a Mommy, I now cant think of my life any other way than AS her Mommy.

The millions of thoughts that cross my mind so close to her arrival are endless. I could literally go on and on... From the more regular thoughts of hoping she is perfectly healthy, what she will look like, what colour her hair will be, how tiny her toes will be... to carefully thought out mommy concerns like how I will do during labour, how I will do with breastfeeding, will I know her sounds and cues when she needs something... I hope she knows how lucky I feel to be her Mommy. I hope that even when I am struggling that she knows I am always doing my very best for her.

I laid in bed with Steve the other night after packing her diaper bag and our hospital bag feeling SO calm and so ready to have her. I asked Steve, "Are you nervous?" Not knowing exactly how he would respond my heart was so lifted when he responded, "Not really. I think we will be good babe, we will do good babe." I know that he is just as excited as I am, and even though we both show it differently, our hearts are in the same place. His calmness made mine feel even more comfortable. This is just one of the reasons I married him. 

Of course there have been ups and downs with pregnancy, but if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, it's mind over matter and really comes down to how your attitude is towards it. You don't have to embrace pregnancy but from my experience (even in the tough moments) it has certainly made it more enjoyable. My leg has definitely been the most difficult aspect of pregnancy. It started at the beginning with severe fatigue and now at the end with extreme fatigue mixed with the pressure points in my prosthetic socket so severe that I am forced to be sitting almost all of the time. I'm sure any woman who has gone though pregnancy can relate to fatigue and also to discomfort on different levels. I've had my few moments of frustration, lacking activity has always been a sensitive area for me, losing ability to be as mobile or active as I like to be is crushing. Luckily, there is always her presence that fills me with so much happiness and gratitude that it outweighs the frustration I feel about sitting going stir crazy, missing my busy life, any pain or yucky symptoms and really missing my physical fitness and training. She has been my light and such a joy to carry with me for these last 38+ weeks.

I'm so thankful for the support I've felt from family and friends during this time. My mum & mum-in-law. Also to the incredible mommies who have reached out, sharing their experiences, sharing positivity and the mommies in my life that I am close to and have reached out to for advice. I also cant leave out my lovely mommy-to-be friends that I have been lucky enough to share some of this journey with, what a blessing you have been!

I am truly overwhelmed with love.

KK

Third Trimester (Weeks 29-39) BabyBelly/Body Progress Pics

I'm starting to feel like this little babe is running out of space! My baby belly is so massive lol that my breath has been shortened all the time, not just when I'm exserting myself. Her little feet are up in my ribs cage kicking around and even though it does catch me by surprise sometimes & can be slightly painful, I still love it. Just knowing that she is in there squirming around & getting comfortable is super comforting to me. I'm so excited to meet our girl I could burst :) 

So I completely forgot to take a photo of week 34! WAH! The only one I have is of me in the bathtub which is totally inappropriate lol so here I am today at exactly 35 weeks pregnant:

Tomorrow I'll be 37 WEEKS! Holy crap! Lol my boobs are so friggin' big I'm horrified how much bigger they'll get when my milk comes in. Feeling VERY maternal lol 

And finally the very last baby belly pic, actually the day I went into labour :) I'm going to miss that belly! 

10/28/2004 ~ A Leg or A Life

I've had a weird week this week. I couldn't really pin point how I was feeling, definitely unlike myself, but still motoring through each day with my usual rhythmic & routine nature. That was until I realized what date was approaching, the 28th of October. Usually a time when twenty something's like myself are getting geared up for Halloween parties, it has become a different celebration for me. On October 28th, back in 2004, after 3 rounds of aggressive (already body altering chemotherapy) I chose to have my leg amputated. Obviously not a decision you make over night, but a decision that I knew the answer to in my mind & heart almost immediately. After the initial 3 rounds, half, of my chemotherapy sessions complete, doctors had hoped that the innovative drugs & cancer poisons corsing through my veins, causing me to loose my hair, close to 35 pounds of body weight & almost all recognition of a healthy me, would have also made that dramatic of an impact on the cancerous tumour growing in my right leg. Good news? That poison corsing through my veins had made an impact on that nasty tumour. Bad news? The impact was definitely not enough. Trust me I would have done anything to make that life killer dissapear, POOF! I meditated, prayed and would visualize it shrinking and yes, it did, but it had a strength not even my stubborn determind mind & heart could defeat. I sat in front of my doctors with my parents on either side of me attempting to absorb what my options were. Amputution had about a 50% survival rate.... Of course they could TRY to save my leg, the leg won't work very well & my chances of survival will be decreased by about 5%, making it about 45%, but they can spare that limb... That limb??? That LIMB?! That limb is mine, I've had it all my life. Imagine if you can all the steps I had taken on "that limb" in the last 19 years. All the places "that limb" had taken me to. "That limb" was part of me.... Part. Only a part. Not the whole thing. 

My eyes swell with tears as I think of myself then. I remember getting home with my parents & getting into my little black honda civic & just driving. No destination in mind. Just a choice, a decision. Thinking of my mum, so somber, calculating every fact that doctor spat at us. Thinking of my dad, desperately asking the doctor, "can she have my leg??? Can you do that?!". A blur of emotions swept over me, but just thinking of those people, my family, my mum, dad & sister... The choice became crystal clear to me. It's a leg or a life. I've never been one to give anything less than 100% & cancer wasn't going to get any less of a fight out of me. I turned my car around, went home and told my family my decision. My parents had been at the appointment and I think that they knew what I would decide, they were obviously devastated but just wanted to keep their daughter. The toughest reaction had to be my sister, she just couldn't  understand. She was beside herself with sadness and this broke my heart. Infact telling anyone that loved me this news broke my heart. It always seemed much harder on them to accept than it was for me. 

"That limb", my leg, that life ending tumour, had to go. Like get the fuck out of my body & away from me. GO. At 19 there was just too much life to be lived to even mess around with a choice like that. So on October 28th/2004, with my parents & my sister supportively at my side, we went to VGH to have my leg amputated. 

I don't remember a whole lot of detail about my 5 days stay at the hospital. Mostly blurry bits & pieces.

Getting surgery prepped. 

My surgeon cracking some joke about it being a "quick surgery" & that he had his kids soccer game to get to.

My sister getting super pissed off at that "joke".

Saying good bye to my family.

Sitting on a table in the O.R. naked, barely covered by a hospital gown with the back wide open as I got my epidural.

A really good looking male nurse.

Making light of the heavy tone in the O.R. by cracking stupid jokes.

Waking up alone, facing a window that overlooked a dark Vancouver city view.

Looking down and only seeing 5 perfectly pedicured hot pink toes. 

Rolling over & barfing on the floor.

Tears.

Relief.

Grief.

Relief.

Tears.

Being rolled out into a hallway where I remember seeing 3 faces... My mum, dad & sister. All sad, all eyes full of tears.

Smiling ear to ear & giving them the thumbs up.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain. 

Teddy bears, flowers, cards, kisses&hugs. 

Pain.

Pain. 

Pain.

Home.

Relief.

Fast forward enough time for my limb to heal & have staples removed. I'm still bald, underweight & about to face 3 more rounds of chemotherapy. The most brutal of the 6... This is me on Christmas morning 2004, after my last chemotherapy session (December 21st/04). Merry Christmas kiddo, you're DONE chemo. That's the best present I've ever gotten. Fuck you cancer, you can't ruin Christmas for this girl. 

Fast forward again to physiotherapy & learning how to walk again. (This is me with Rick Hansen, who came in to have a visit with me. Incredible man & so easy to talk to).

I worked with the most unbelievably talented physiotherapist @ GF Strong Rehabilitation Center. I truly believe she is a gift to her profession & people like myself are lucky to be able to work with her. Linda McLaren has a special way to be so strong & stern and yet so gently motivating. On days that I struggled desperately, she was a force to recon with, one of the reasons I pushed harder & never have up. GF Strong is a place I will never forget & will always hold so close to my heart.

Prosthetic fittings became the norm, they were long, exhausting, empowering & rewarding. A mixture of feelings. I started out with the basics & soon became picky about what I wanted. I switched prosthetists early and became a client of Jamie Little. He was working with a new socket design that I wanted & he was willing to make me his first client wearing it. Even with some apprehension, Jamie had massive success with me. I loved the new socket. After being castted into my first test socket (of the new MAS socket design) I was determined to complete the Terry Fox Run (walking). It was September 2005, I had been an amputee for roughly 11 months, had been on a prosthetic leg for roughly 7 months & using my new socket design for about a month or so. Jamie did warn me that doing the 10k Terry Fox Run, even though I was walking it, on my test socket (which is made from a very ridgid hard, not the most durable type of plastic) wasn't the best idea. However I had set this in my mind since my diagnosis a year ago and now had another reason I wanted to do it. You see while I was at GF Strong doing my rehabilitation I had met a lot of really amazing people, one in particular, named Cris. He was diagnosed with a cancer that was almost identical to mine. He had gone through the same chemo regime & even lost his right leg too, at the same level I had lost mine. We bonded immediately, becoming great friends... He even nicknamed me his "twin leg sister". His smile could literally light up my day. Just a sweet, silly & genuine soul. He was a couple of weeks behind me in our protocol so when I went to get all my scans & tests done post treatments his were always after mine. We celebrated my first clear scans together. Only weeks later Cris had his scans too... I waited & waited for him to call or text me & let me know he was clear too. After all, he had to be! We were like twins! I went to GF Strong during our usual rehabilitation time & waited for him, only to end up doing my workout alone. Finally as I was leaving GF I spotted him in his car. I didn't know what was going on but he motioned for me to get in the passenger seat, so I did. I was there in the parking lot that Cris told me his scan wasn't clear, his cancer had come back, spread to his lungs & the outlook wasn't good. I didn't know what to do because I was so confused. Why him, why not me. How was this possible. He had done everything right, or so we thought... After that day Cris had slowly started to pull away from me, I'd get a text or email here & there telling me vaguely how he was & that he didn't want me to be hurt by what he was going through. I think Cris was done fighting. I was devastated & so worried for him. Cris pretty much refused to do the Terry Fox Run with me, I had asked him a million times... But for some reason he showed up that day just to support me. I then begged him again to do it with myself & my family. He again said no. But when we began the walk @ the start line, he started to walk too. In fact, he walked the entire 10k, right by my side. It took us over 3 hours & we basically limped across that finish line, we were both so tired & our legs were both badly bruised & sore. I have the most beautiful memories of that day with Cris & my family. 

I got this email after the Terry Fox Run:

And then this was the very last email I ever got from Cris, after this he stopped responding to my attempts to talk to him or see him...

He signed off calling me by the nickname he gave me & I didn't hear from him again. A couple months later I received a phone call from a close friend of Cris's... cancer had taken his life. Since then barely a day can pass where I don't think of him. He is my constant reminder that sometimes there just is no rhyme or reason. Cancer literally just destroys what it wants, takes what it wants & takes who it wants. My heart hurts thinking of all of the things in life he didn't get a chance to do but I live everyday doing as much as I possibly can... To be worthy of the gift I got. 

Over the last two years I got my focus back onto sports & became involved in triathlon. In love with a sport that challenges me on so MANY levels. Nothing about my training has been easy but it's been so extremely worth it. Triathlon makes me feel alive & proves that even with "that limb" missing, I am still capable of doing anything. There have been setbacks but nothing that I couldn't over come by staying dedicated to my goals & surrounding myself with a team of people that believe in my dreams as much as I do. My husband, who isn't a triathlete or athlete of any sort, has become one of my biggest supporters. Learning the time commitment it takes by respecting my training schedule. He may not BE an athlete but he eats like one, never complains about any of the clean meals I put in front of him or expects me make anything different for him, in fact I think he loves it, he has a built in nutritionist! My mum, who is literally my biggest fan & my biggest inspiration. My coach, Meyrick Jones, who has taught me SO much about triathlon that I can't even begin to express my gratitude. His passion for this sport is contagious and even though I came to him with determination & dedication, he gave me focus & the groundwork I needed to build my skills as a triathlete. Last but certainly NOT least, my prosthetist Dave Moe & his team at Barber Prosthetics. It is impossible for me fully express my gratitude to Dave, I doubt in my whole life that I'll be able to do it. I literally thank him every single time I see him, repeatedly. Without Dave I wouldn't have been able to compete in triathlon at all this past season. He & his team took on the roll as my prosthetic sponsors, equipping me with THREE new athletic prosthetic legs (a running leg, a cycling leg and the latest addition, my gym/training leg). Not only is Dave the most skilled prosthetist I've worked with over the years but he is not affraid to try new innovative things with my legs & has never once said no to something I want to do. He truly believes in my dreams as much as I do, if not more.

So what do I think about on 10/28/2004? I think about Cris, the impact he made on my life in such a short period of time, the finish lines I will cross with him in my heart, the "test" I passed & the gratefulness I feel at every memory I have with him. I think of other people who have been affected by cancer & lost something or someone that was a part of them. That pain never goes away, it dulls, but it serves as a constant reminder of how quickly life can be changed & taken. I think of how incredibly lucky I have been to live the last 9 years since that date. The things I've accomplished, the obstacles I've overcome, the incredible people I've met, the love I have in my life, this little blessing that is my first born daughter growing in my belly, the ups & the downs & every single thing inbetween that I've experienced. A leg or a life? LIFE. 9 beautiful years of it & so many more to look forward to. 

And I never think of "that limb", because I didn't need it for any of this.