38 Weeks and 3 days pregnant today. I am just in awe at how fast this has gone by. It is almost over. Such a strange feeling as I run my hands over my baby bump, feeling her stir in my belly as my hands glide over my now flat and slightly outtie belly button, I know the time is near that I wont have her with me every second of every day. I have been so in love with our growth together, each week as she has hit milestones in her development my body has changed to accommodate and support her. Incredible. I'm emotional and teary just thinking of how much of a miracle it is. The times I have sat and thought of it with a smile on my face have been countless, I am beyond grateful. In fact, grateful seems to be far too simple of a term to express it. From thinking that due to the aggressive chemotherapy I had endured to beat cancer ruined my chance at becoming a Mommy, to 9 months pregnant and on the verge of meeting my sweet daughter any day. The hurt in my heart that I felt when that might be taken from me has been filled with this miracle and although I know I would have coped with not becoming a Mommy, I now cant think of my life any other way than AS her Mommy.
The millions of thoughts that cross my mind so close to her arrival are endless. I could literally go on and on... From the more regular thoughts of hoping she is perfectly healthy, what she will look like, what colour her hair will be, how tiny her toes will be... to carefully thought out mommy concerns like how I will do during labour, how I will do with breastfeeding, will I know her sounds and cues when she needs something... I hope she knows how lucky I feel to be her Mommy. I hope that even when I am struggling that she knows I am always doing my very best for her.
I laid in bed with Steve the other night after packing her diaper bag and our hospital bag feeling SO calm and so ready to have her. I asked Steve, "Are you nervous?" Not knowing exactly how he would respond my heart was so lifted when he responded, "Not really. I think we will be good babe, we will do good babe." I know that he is just as excited as I am, and even though we both show it differently, our hearts are in the same place. His calmness made mine feel even more comfortable. This is just one of the reasons I married him.
Of course there have been ups and downs with pregnancy, but if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, it's mind over matter and really comes down to how your attitude is towards it. You don't have to embrace pregnancy but from my experience (even in the tough moments) it has certainly made it more enjoyable. My leg has definitely been the most difficult aspect of pregnancy. It started at the beginning with severe fatigue and now at the end with extreme fatigue mixed with the pressure points in my prosthetic socket so severe that I am forced to be sitting almost all of the time. I'm sure any woman who has gone though pregnancy can relate to fatigue and also to discomfort on different levels. I've had my few moments of frustration, lacking activity has always been a sensitive area for me, losing ability to be as mobile or active as I like to be is crushing. Luckily, there is always her presence that fills me with so much happiness and gratitude that it outweighs the frustration I feel about sitting going stir crazy, missing my busy life, any pain or yucky symptoms and really missing my physical fitness and training. She has been my light and such a joy to carry with me for these last 38+ weeks.
I'm so thankful for the support I've felt from family and friends during this time. My mum & mum-in-law. Also to the incredible mommies who have reached out, sharing their experiences, sharing positivity and the mommies in my life that I am close to and have reached out to for advice. I also cant leave out my lovely mommy-to-be friends that I have been lucky enough to share some of this journey with, what a blessing you have been!
I am truly overwhelmed with love.
KK
