Now that I have a few blog posts out there, I can babble about other things. As of right now things in life are a little crazy. I'm getting married in less than week. I've been planning this for a year and a half, so naturally I'm VERY excited. I would love to say that through times like this I stay very focused but that's not exactly true. I find myself getting so excited that I almost forgot to function and lately I have even been forgetting to eat. LOL. Two nights in a row I have eaten a couple pieces of cheese, a pear and a glass of wine for dinner. THIS IS VERY UNLIKE ME. But, if I said anything else I would be lying. So now you know.
I have liked wedding planning but I honestly am looking forward to it being over, I feel I am too busy for it. Or maybe I just have things in life that I would rather be doing. Training being one of them. I recently even had to quit swimming until after the wedding because me dress just wasn't fitting as it should. Not my favourite. I LOVE swimming so not doing so has made my sanity slightly compromised. I have basically come to the realisation that I just have to let it happen at this point, the wedding is literally in 6 days so I should be soaking up every second of it. Today is actually my bridal shower, typical for me, I have woken up at 5 am... on a Sunday. Completely unnecessary seeing as I do not have to be at the party until 1pm. I, however, have thoughts buzzing through my mind, some about the wedding, a lot about sport, this blog and random other things.
The only place I really find mental peace is during physical exertion. Sport also allows me time of pure focus. I am extremely competitive and when I say competitive I don't just mean up against my competitors, I mostly mean with myself. I am constantly striving to better myself and when I am deep into a swimming, strength straining, running, cycling or any work out session my mind really isn't anywhere else. I am completely content with the constant effort. I am not sure if that statement makes sense to people, but it sums it up perfectly to me.
One thing I have really noticed since going through cancer and cancer treatment (chemotherapy specifically for me) is that I generally have a slightly harder time focusing than I used to. Sometimes I chalk it up to just being more passionate about life. I was so close to having it taken from me that when there are exciting things happening or events to look forward to I get a little more happily excited and anxious about them. It also doesn't help that I am a bit of an over thinker. Once I get an idea in my head I think about it almost obsessively, goal setting and planning, thinking of ways I can attain whatever I am thinking about or handle the situation at hand. I get these qualities from my Mum and Dad, the over thinking and goal setting from Mumma and the problem solving from Dad. I have found these to be great traits to help me through my times of struggle with cancer and a disability and am SO grateful that my parents passed them along to me. They are traits that kind of allow me to look at my life from the outside in and really delegate and decide how to deal with things and also how to call myself out on the positive and negative areas in order to make better progress.
So today, and for the next 6 days I'm really going to be practising the task of enjoying the moment, not how much progress is being made or the final outcome. The moments of time spent with my lovely bridesmaids and ladies at my bridal shower. (I know they have put a lot of thought and time into planning this day so I hope they all know how excited I am and thankful that they care so much to make today extra special.) This week I will consciously put effort into enjoying the last few days with my sweet fiance, Steve, before I marry him. At the end of the week I will soak up every second of girlie time getting our nails done and having our bridesmaids sleepover the night before the wedding. On the day of our wedding I will remind myself to breathe and really absorb the wonderful moments that Steve and I are sharing with our family and friends, because as much as our wedding day is a day dedicated to Steve and I celebrating our love and union as husband as wife, it is also a massive celebration of the joining of two families and the mixing and mingling of all of our loved ones and friends.
~Enjoying the moments~
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Monday, 21 January 2013
Cancer - Chemotherapy - Amputation
This picture was taken Christmas morning 2004. I had just gone through months of treatment, 6 rounds of aggressive chemotherapy and the amputation of my right leg above the knee. It's hard to tell in this picture - because I look SO unhealthy, frail and tired - but this was an extremely happy day for me. I had finished my very last chemotherapy only 3 days before this picture was taken and I was HOME celebrating Christmas with my family. My doctors wanted to wait until after Christmas, but I wanted to get my last chemotherapy over with and have it behind me for my favourite time of year. I've never posted or publicly shared this picture but it is a picture that I value tremendously. This was the darkest place I have ever been physically or mentally. Everyday was an incredible struggle. This picture shows to the naked eye how I felt. It depicts struggle & strength and as difficult as it is to look at this picture I feel an incredible sense of pride knowing that I pulled myself out of this place. If I could make it through that time I can make it through anything.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Body
Lately I got to thinking about self image. This is a huge topic for me because my body has changed and been through such drastic change over the last 8 years.
A little insight... 8 years ago when I was 19 I had an aggressive form of bone cancer called osteogenic sarcoma, I'll tell this story in detail in another blog... I was an average 19 year old girl, I worked at a hair salon as a receptionist and also worked part time as a hostess in a restaurant. I was active, I loved to work out and run. I hung out with my girl friends lots and dated as well. During my ordeal with cancer I also had to go through chemotherapy. I went from 125 healthy pounds to only 80 pounds. My boobs shrunk to almost nothing, my skin was sallow and yellowish and I had dark purple circles around my eyes. Too make it even worse I lost ALL of my hair. When I say ALL, I truly mean all of it, head to toe, gone. I had always loved my hair, it was long and naturally straight, I usually had it fairly blond with dark streaks in and I loved to style it all sorts of ways. I was devastated when it started to fall out and besides the fact that my scalp was sore and and it was painful I couldn't stand the idea that it was all just going to fall out and I had no control over it. So I called one of my best girlfriends (who happens to be my hair stylist) and begged her to come over and shave it off. I wanted the control back. So my lovely friend came over with her clippers and sitting in the middle of my mum's kitchen she proceeded to shave ALL of my long blond hair off. This was a huge moment for me. I remember really feeling sick at this time. I mean, I had been sick for a while and had gone through a couple rounds of chemotherapy but having my hair completely shaved off really made me LOOK sick. I couldn't hide it anymore. My mum took me and my girlfriend to a wig store in Vancouver and bought me the most beautiful (and expensive) long blond real hair wig she could find. My mum new how devastated I was and she did EVERYTHING to put a smile on my face and help me feel like me. The wig was weird at first but it helped me have some of my confidence back. I even remember the first time I showed one of my guy friends. I had told him about it and I wanted to see what he thought, I didn't want it to be weird or unnatural. So I went and met up with him to see what he thought... he was great. Maybe he thought it looked different but he didn't let me feel uncomfortable AT ALL. I'm thankful for that moment because I think he cared more about the fact that I just wanted to feel like me and less about the fact that I was wearing hair that wasn't mine. After that I was pretty at ease with my "new" hair. Just a couple months after I lost all my hair I made the decision to have my right leg amputated above the knee. The chemotherapy I was undergoing wasn't going to cure my cancer and I had to make a decision in order to save my own life. In October 2004, when I was 19 years old, I had my amputation. (Again, I will go into more detail about the full ordeal in another blog, I really want to touch on self image in this one). After I finished 3 more rounds of chemotherapy I began intense physiotherapy learning how to walk on a prosthetic leg... So I was a 80 pound sick girl in a wig with a prosthetic leg - It was a rough, to say the very least, period of time for me. I can remember standing in front of a full length mirror with my new prosthetic leg on, leaning onto my crutches, without my wig on and thinking, "WHO is that?!?!" Then I remember my eyes filling with tears until my vision was blurred and feeling my tears literally stream down my cheeks like waterfalls.I didn't know that girl. The Kim I knew was confident, she stood tall and was proud of her athletic body, she wasn't shy or uncomfortable in her own skin. I wanted her back!!! It was in that exact moment that I realised the only way I could bring myself back to me was to work for it. So I did exactly that. I trained tirelessly until I could walk somewhat decently on my prosthetic leg and when that wasn't good enough, I trained HARDER until my walking was much better, until I didn't have to use any walking aids. (No crutches, no canes). I ate like crazy, I wanted my body back. I wanted my curves and my boobs and my butt back. I didn't like this bony hungry looking version of me. Before I would go out I would do my make up and put on my favourite track suits or sweats (I didn't wear jeans a lot during this period mostly just because I found them really uncomfortable with my new leg and also because when I went out it was 99% of the time to go work out or go to phsyio to train some more). I took my vitamins and took good care of my skin, I wanted to look alive again, no more sallow skin and dark circles, I wanted a fresh healthy glow back. I hydrated like crazy, drinking gallons of water, in attempt to flush whatever chemotherapy was still lingering in me OUT. I cant tell you what other people thought of my looks at this point but I can tell you what I thought. I was TOUGH on myself, this is normal for me, but during this time I was WAY more aware of my looks and because I couldn't control a lot of what was going on with my health, I continued to control what I could on the outside.
8 years later... TODAY... Today I am healthy, I honestly think I am healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. It has been a battle but I take 100% responsibility for how I look and feel today. My hair grew back but my leg didn't (LOL obviously hahahhaa) so I am still wearing a prosthetic leg. Some things are easy about it and some are difficult. I look different than any girl I know, none of my girl friends have "fake" legs. I think my confidence comes from a completely different place than it used to. It comes from a place of hard work and pride. I have busted my ass to be where I am, I have shed blood, sweat and lots of tears. There have been moments of despair and frustration wishing that things could be a little easier. But for the most part there has been self discovery and a new love of myself. In the summer when my beautiful girl friends are in shorts, dresses and bikinis I AM TOO, and again, I look different than them, but I look like me. When I get ready and when I look into the mirror I see Kim, I see myself and a version of myself that I feel incredibly proud of. A new version that is sweeter and a little softer at heart, someone that appreciates being different and embraces every scar and imperfection of my body. Sometimes I look down at my legs and I am completely overwhelmed with happiness that I am able to stand on my own two feet. I look down at my two feet and although they are different from each other they are both mine and although one is made of skin, bones, muscle and blood and the other is made of plastic, metal, valves and computer parts I love them both equally.
I see beauty in a different way now than I used to. I am still hard on myself and have high expectations but am also more comfortable giving myself credit when it is deserved. I see beautiful woman every day and I wonder if they know how beautiful their flaws are. It concerns me that females sometimes occupy too much time trying to cover their flaws when they could be enhancing and embracing them. I also hope that people realise how important it is to value their body, you really do only get one. Treat it good, care for it and nurture it. Work for the body that you can be proud of. Look into the mirror and know that you have made your body the way it is, you own it, it's health and well being is completely 100% up to you. If there is something that you cannot change about your body, embrace it and accept that it is uniquely you. Don't be afraid of it. Give yourself credit when you deserve it and be confident in your own skin.
A little insight... 8 years ago when I was 19 I had an aggressive form of bone cancer called osteogenic sarcoma, I'll tell this story in detail in another blog... I was an average 19 year old girl, I worked at a hair salon as a receptionist and also worked part time as a hostess in a restaurant. I was active, I loved to work out and run. I hung out with my girl friends lots and dated as well. During my ordeal with cancer I also had to go through chemotherapy. I went from 125 healthy pounds to only 80 pounds. My boobs shrunk to almost nothing, my skin was sallow and yellowish and I had dark purple circles around my eyes. Too make it even worse I lost ALL of my hair. When I say ALL, I truly mean all of it, head to toe, gone. I had always loved my hair, it was long and naturally straight, I usually had it fairly blond with dark streaks in and I loved to style it all sorts of ways. I was devastated when it started to fall out and besides the fact that my scalp was sore and and it was painful I couldn't stand the idea that it was all just going to fall out and I had no control over it. So I called one of my best girlfriends (who happens to be my hair stylist) and begged her to come over and shave it off. I wanted the control back. So my lovely friend came over with her clippers and sitting in the middle of my mum's kitchen she proceeded to shave ALL of my long blond hair off. This was a huge moment for me. I remember really feeling sick at this time. I mean, I had been sick for a while and had gone through a couple rounds of chemotherapy but having my hair completely shaved off really made me LOOK sick. I couldn't hide it anymore. My mum took me and my girlfriend to a wig store in Vancouver and bought me the most beautiful (and expensive) long blond real hair wig she could find. My mum new how devastated I was and she did EVERYTHING to put a smile on my face and help me feel like me. The wig was weird at first but it helped me have some of my confidence back. I even remember the first time I showed one of my guy friends. I had told him about it and I wanted to see what he thought, I didn't want it to be weird or unnatural. So I went and met up with him to see what he thought... he was great. Maybe he thought it looked different but he didn't let me feel uncomfortable AT ALL. I'm thankful for that moment because I think he cared more about the fact that I just wanted to feel like me and less about the fact that I was wearing hair that wasn't mine. After that I was pretty at ease with my "new" hair. Just a couple months after I lost all my hair I made the decision to have my right leg amputated above the knee. The chemotherapy I was undergoing wasn't going to cure my cancer and I had to make a decision in order to save my own life. In October 2004, when I was 19 years old, I had my amputation. (Again, I will go into more detail about the full ordeal in another blog, I really want to touch on self image in this one). After I finished 3 more rounds of chemotherapy I began intense physiotherapy learning how to walk on a prosthetic leg... So I was a 80 pound sick girl in a wig with a prosthetic leg - It was a rough, to say the very least, period of time for me. I can remember standing in front of a full length mirror with my new prosthetic leg on, leaning onto my crutches, without my wig on and thinking, "WHO is that?!?!" Then I remember my eyes filling with tears until my vision was blurred and feeling my tears literally stream down my cheeks like waterfalls.I didn't know that girl. The Kim I knew was confident, she stood tall and was proud of her athletic body, she wasn't shy or uncomfortable in her own skin. I wanted her back!!! It was in that exact moment that I realised the only way I could bring myself back to me was to work for it. So I did exactly that. I trained tirelessly until I could walk somewhat decently on my prosthetic leg and when that wasn't good enough, I trained HARDER until my walking was much better, until I didn't have to use any walking aids. (No crutches, no canes). I ate like crazy, I wanted my body back. I wanted my curves and my boobs and my butt back. I didn't like this bony hungry looking version of me. Before I would go out I would do my make up and put on my favourite track suits or sweats (I didn't wear jeans a lot during this period mostly just because I found them really uncomfortable with my new leg and also because when I went out it was 99% of the time to go work out or go to phsyio to train some more). I took my vitamins and took good care of my skin, I wanted to look alive again, no more sallow skin and dark circles, I wanted a fresh healthy glow back. I hydrated like crazy, drinking gallons of water, in attempt to flush whatever chemotherapy was still lingering in me OUT. I cant tell you what other people thought of my looks at this point but I can tell you what I thought. I was TOUGH on myself, this is normal for me, but during this time I was WAY more aware of my looks and because I couldn't control a lot of what was going on with my health, I continued to control what I could on the outside.
8 years later... TODAY... Today I am healthy, I honestly think I am healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. It has been a battle but I take 100% responsibility for how I look and feel today. My hair grew back but my leg didn't (LOL obviously hahahhaa) so I am still wearing a prosthetic leg. Some things are easy about it and some are difficult. I look different than any girl I know, none of my girl friends have "fake" legs. I think my confidence comes from a completely different place than it used to. It comes from a place of hard work and pride. I have busted my ass to be where I am, I have shed blood, sweat and lots of tears. There have been moments of despair and frustration wishing that things could be a little easier. But for the most part there has been self discovery and a new love of myself. In the summer when my beautiful girl friends are in shorts, dresses and bikinis I AM TOO, and again, I look different than them, but I look like me. When I get ready and when I look into the mirror I see Kim, I see myself and a version of myself that I feel incredibly proud of. A new version that is sweeter and a little softer at heart, someone that appreciates being different and embraces every scar and imperfection of my body. Sometimes I look down at my legs and I am completely overwhelmed with happiness that I am able to stand on my own two feet. I look down at my two feet and although they are different from each other they are both mine and although one is made of skin, bones, muscle and blood and the other is made of plastic, metal, valves and computer parts I love them both equally.
I see beauty in a different way now than I used to. I am still hard on myself and have high expectations but am also more comfortable giving myself credit when it is deserved. I see beautiful woman every day and I wonder if they know how beautiful their flaws are. It concerns me that females sometimes occupy too much time trying to cover their flaws when they could be enhancing and embracing them. I also hope that people realise how important it is to value their body, you really do only get one. Treat it good, care for it and nurture it. Work for the body that you can be proud of. Look into the mirror and know that you have made your body the way it is, you own it, it's health and well being is completely 100% up to you. If there is something that you cannot change about your body, embrace it and accept that it is uniquely you. Don't be afraid of it. Give yourself credit when you deserve it and be confident in your own skin.
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Say it how it is. First Kim Sparling - Kim Kuczko "Blog"
Ok. Where to start? I should start by saying that I'm honest. I can be sure that not everyone will agree (or like) what I post all the time. If you are reading my blog for a sugar coated review of my daily life or a sugar coated opinion, you probably shouldn't read my blog. I'm real, I say things that I am thinking and this blog is about me. If you don't want to read it, don't. I was given advice from someone who I respect that a blog would be a great place to document what goes on in my life in attempt to achieve my goals. So here I am, creating blog #1. Kim Sparling's soon to be, Kim Kuczko's, thoughts.
I think if I started to babble about what got me to where I am RIGHT NOW, this first blog could go on and on and ON AND ON... So for now I'm going to keep it a little simple.
I grew up with great parents, both loving and supportive and both athletic. I have one sister, thirteen months younger than I am. In high school my parents separated and I took it hard. I also have a bit of a track record for consciously taking the tougher road throughout my life (so far). When I was eighteen I was diagnosed with osteogenic sarcoma (bone cancer) in my right leg. I underwent months of chemotherapy and finally made the decision to have my right leg amputated above my knee in order to survive my cancer. I am now a cancer survivor of 8 years. I fell in love with a great guy that I knew from high school (introduced to me by one of my very best girlfriends) and will be marrying him in two weeks (February 2nd/2013). I am active. If I don't work out, I am grumpy. I genuinely love to sweat and even more than that I absolutely LOVE competition. I am a goal setter and a planner and I am 110% slightly obsessed with being organised. I never let a day pass that I don't stop and count my blessings, I know exactly how lucky I am to be alive. I have recently decided that I want to be a triathlete. By recently I mean within the last year. I have always loved to run, swim and ride a bike, but I mean that recently I have wanted to take all that love of those three sports to a whole new level.
I guess that somewhat sums up the things I will most likely blog about the most, or the things that will relate to what I blog about. If you can relate, please read. If you can't, that's fine too. All I can promise is honesty about MY life.
I think if I started to babble about what got me to where I am RIGHT NOW, this first blog could go on and on and ON AND ON... So for now I'm going to keep it a little simple.
I grew up with great parents, both loving and supportive and both athletic. I have one sister, thirteen months younger than I am. In high school my parents separated and I took it hard. I also have a bit of a track record for consciously taking the tougher road throughout my life (so far). When I was eighteen I was diagnosed with osteogenic sarcoma (bone cancer) in my right leg. I underwent months of chemotherapy and finally made the decision to have my right leg amputated above my knee in order to survive my cancer. I am now a cancer survivor of 8 years. I fell in love with a great guy that I knew from high school (introduced to me by one of my very best girlfriends) and will be marrying him in two weeks (February 2nd/2013). I am active. If I don't work out, I am grumpy. I genuinely love to sweat and even more than that I absolutely LOVE competition. I am a goal setter and a planner and I am 110% slightly obsessed with being organised. I never let a day pass that I don't stop and count my blessings, I know exactly how lucky I am to be alive. I have recently decided that I want to be a triathlete. By recently I mean within the last year. I have always loved to run, swim and ride a bike, but I mean that recently I have wanted to take all that love of those three sports to a whole new level.
I guess that somewhat sums up the things I will most likely blog about the most, or the things that will relate to what I blog about. If you can relate, please read. If you can't, that's fine too. All I can promise is honesty about MY life.
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