Body

Lately I got to thinking about self image. This is a huge topic for me because my body has changed and been through such drastic change over the last 8 years.

A little insight... 8 years ago when I was 19 I had an aggressive form of bone cancer called osteogenic sarcoma, I'll tell this story in detail in another blog... I was an average 19 year old girl, I worked at a hair salon as a receptionist and also worked part time as a hostess in a restaurant. I was active, I loved to work out and run. I hung out with my girl friends lots and dated as well. During my ordeal with cancer I also had to go through chemotherapy. I went from 125 healthy pounds to only 80 pounds. My boobs shrunk to almost nothing, my skin was sallow and yellowish and I had dark purple circles around my eyes. Too make it even worse I lost ALL of my hair. When I say ALL, I truly mean all of it, head to toe, gone. I had always loved my hair, it was long and naturally straight, I usually had it fairly blond with dark streaks in and I loved to style it all sorts of ways. I was devastated when it started to fall out and besides the fact that my scalp was sore and and it was painful I couldn't stand the idea that it was all just going to fall out and I had no control over it. So I called one of my best girlfriends (who happens to be my hair stylist) and begged her to come over and shave it off. I wanted the control back. So my lovely friend came over with her clippers and sitting in the middle of my mum's kitchen she proceeded to shave ALL of my long blond hair off. This was a huge moment for me. I remember really feeling sick at this time. I mean, I had been sick for a while and had gone through a couple rounds of chemotherapy but having my hair completely shaved off really made me LOOK sick. I couldn't hide it anymore. My mum took me and my girlfriend to a wig store in Vancouver and bought me the most beautiful (and expensive) long blond real hair wig she could find. My mum new how devastated I was and she did EVERYTHING to put a smile on my face and help me feel like me. The wig was weird at first but it helped me have some of my confidence back. I even remember the first time I showed one of my guy friends. I had told him about it and I wanted to see what he thought, I didn't want it to be weird or unnatural. So I went and met up with him to see what he thought... he was great. Maybe he thought it looked different but he didn't let me feel uncomfortable AT ALL. I'm thankful for that moment because I think he cared more about the fact that I just wanted to feel like me and less about the fact that I was wearing hair that wasn't mine. After that I was pretty at ease with my "new" hair. Just a couple months after I lost all my hair I made the decision to have my right leg amputated above the knee. The chemotherapy I was undergoing wasn't going to cure my cancer and I had to make a decision in order to save my own life. In October 2004, when I was 19 years old, I had my amputation. (Again, I will go into more detail about the full ordeal in another blog, I really want to touch on self image in this one). After I finished 3 more rounds of chemotherapy I began intense physiotherapy learning how to walk on a prosthetic leg... So I was a 80 pound sick girl in a wig with a prosthetic leg - It was a rough, to say the very least, period of time for me. I can remember standing in front of a full length mirror with my new prosthetic leg on, leaning onto my crutches, without my wig on and thinking, "WHO is that?!?!" Then I remember my eyes filling with tears until my vision was blurred and feeling my tears literally stream down my cheeks like waterfalls.I didn't know that girl. The Kim I knew was confident, she stood tall and was proud of her athletic body, she wasn't shy or uncomfortable in her own skin. I wanted her back!!! It was in that exact moment that I realised the only way I could bring myself back to me was to work for it. So I did exactly that. I trained tirelessly until I could walk somewhat decently on my prosthetic leg and when that wasn't good enough, I trained HARDER until my walking was much better, until I didn't have to use any walking aids. (No crutches, no canes). I ate like crazy, I wanted my body back. I wanted my curves and my boobs and my butt back. I didn't like this bony hungry looking version of me. Before I would go out I would do my make up and put on my favourite track suits or sweats (I didn't wear jeans a lot during this period mostly just because I found them really uncomfortable with my new leg and also because when I went out it was 99% of the time to go work out or go to phsyio to train some more). I took my vitamins and took good care of my skin, I wanted to look alive again, no more sallow skin and dark circles, I wanted a fresh healthy glow back. I hydrated like crazy, drinking gallons of water, in attempt to flush whatever chemotherapy was still lingering in me OUT. I cant tell you what other people thought of my looks at this point but I can tell you what I thought. I was TOUGH on myself,   this is normal for me, but during this time I was WAY more aware of my looks and because I couldn't control a lot of what was going on with my health, I continued to control what I could on the outside.

8 years later... TODAY... Today I am healthy, I honestly think I am healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. It has been a battle but I take 100% responsibility for how I look and feel today. My hair grew back but my leg didn't (LOL obviously hahahhaa) so I am still wearing a prosthetic leg. Some things are easy about it and some are difficult. I look different than any girl I know, none of my girl friends have "fake" legs. I think my confidence comes from a completely different place than it used to. It comes from a place of hard work and pride. I have busted my ass to be where I am, I have shed blood, sweat and lots of tears. There have been moments of despair and frustration wishing that things could be a little easier. But for the most part there has been self discovery and a new love of myself. In the summer when my beautiful girl friends are in shorts, dresses and bikinis I AM TOO, and again, I look different than them, but I look like me. When I get ready and when I look into the mirror I see Kim, I see myself and a version of myself that I feel incredibly proud of. A new version that is sweeter and a little softer at heart, someone that appreciates being different and embraces every scar and imperfection of my body. Sometimes I look down at my legs and I am completely overwhelmed with happiness that I am able to stand on my own two feet. I look down at my two feet and although they are different from each other they are both mine and although one is made of skin, bones, muscle and blood and the other is made of plastic, metal, valves and computer parts I love them both equally.

I see beauty in a different way now than I used to. I am still hard on myself and have high expectations but am also more comfortable giving myself credit when it is deserved. I see beautiful woman every day and I wonder if they know how beautiful their flaws are. It concerns me that females sometimes occupy too much time trying to cover their flaws when they could be enhancing and embracing them. I also hope that people realise how important it is to value  their body, you really do only get one. Treat it good, care for it and nurture it. Work for the body that you can be proud of. Look into the mirror and know that you have made your body the way it is, you own it, it's health and well being is completely 100% up to you. If there is something that you cannot change about your body, embrace it and accept that it is uniquely you. Don't be afraid of it. Give yourself credit when you deserve it and be confident in your own skin.